I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
