I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
