i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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