420 ftw
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
