my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
