I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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