Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
