were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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