I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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