That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
