the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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