He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
