Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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