I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
