Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
