all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Randomize
