i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
