Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
