I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
