I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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