cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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