Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
