dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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