Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
