i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
