I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
