took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
