I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
