Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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