I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
