I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
