btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
there is glitter all over my balls
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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