I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
