apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
