i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
