i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You are a genius and a whore.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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