im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think my fart just growled at me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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