puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
