youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
