My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
