i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
