Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
