I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
