Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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