Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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