you win again, gameday.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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