My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
