hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
