franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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