It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
