Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
