Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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