I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
